I'm such a horrible person... Feel damn sad now :(

Hi.

I'm actually really disappointed with myself now that I realised that I haven't been updating. So much for the life-documentary efforts. :( I came back from Japan on the 18th and since then, have been slacking. I know that I really have to buck up for my studies but I'm so damn lazy. Haizzz... I used to be so hardworking, like in primary school, I would do my homework right after I get home. But now? I find myself procrastinating like none other. And I would have to dedicate my weekends to tuition after the June hols for Math and Chemistry. Sigh... Like the old days when I was still in primary school. I have a trial lesson this weekend and I hope the teacher is nice and the classmates are nice and whatnots. :(

I'll post about my Japan trip soon!! Shit, I haven't uploaded the pictures to my computer yet. :( Sigh... Anyway, here's a little something that happened today. So basically, my mom works as a babysitter and she takes care of this kid who is like around 18 months? (Not very sure) And the kid is super cute and very talkative but sometimes annoying. <3 So he has 2 brothers, one in Primary 1 and the other who is 5 years old? <-- Also not very sure, I'm damn bad. :( Anyway, the 2 older brothers come at 5pm after school and childcare and then their parents come to pick the three of them up at 7pm. So we were just waiting for their parents to come, when my mom and I started talking about our neighbours who rented the apartment next to ours. They a friendly guy and his girlfriend. And I didn't know he has a girlfriend so I was kinda like, "Oh he has a girlfriend?"

Then the 5 year old kid heard and he asked me, "Sis, do you have a boyfriend?"
Me: What?
Him: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No?
Him: 为什么你不要快点去找一个？(Trans: Why don't you want to go find one?)
Me: WTS? Do YOU have a girlfriend?
Him: *nods head*
Me: *widens eyes in surprise*
Mom: Yeah he told me he has a girlfriend. The girl told him she likes him. He also told me the girlfriend is a little fat.
Me: Oh that's okay. She'll most probably turn hot when she grows up ;)
Mom: Haha, yeah cause it's probably just baby fat that will shed over time.

A few moments later...

Him: Sis, I think you're a little fat.
Me: What? (I'm sorry I don't hear things clearly the first time when talking to him. Yeah...)
Him: I think you're a little fat.
Me: ... </3 Okay.
-End of conversation-

I swear he's not gonna get a girlfriend when he grows up if he remains like that. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW> :(  ;( FML

.
.
.
.
.
.

Okay fine, he's just a kid, but my ego took a beating. Speaking of egos, Jomma and Holly, if you're reading this after your gruelling residential Senior Specialist Course (which by the way, I still have to congratulate you for making the cut. ;)) I want to ask you: Is my ego too big? Like during the Japan trip some people who are closer to me say my ego is big. :( Like when sensei praises me for being fluent in Japanese or calling me cute, they're like, "Sensei, wrong choice of words. You'll just inflate her ego." Like do I ever do that? I don't even know if they mean it or they're just joking but that happened twice and I just sucked it up and said nothing. Like sometimes I admit I do that with people who are closer to me, but I mean it in a joking way. :( I really don't know what to do with my life anymore.

As you can tell, this post is super random and angsty like I don't know lahh... :( It's just.. I finally found the appropriate moment to spam and rant and feel sad about anything that has happened. Like once, I wasn't exactly suicidal, I just thought about how it would feel like if I just jumped over the window and plunged towards my death. I wouldn't say it was random, cause I was just feeling rotten about a bad day or my mom's scoldings or something else I couldn't remember. In any case, it was something super trivial in contrast to the reasons of the people who actually committed suicide. I opened the window and stared down from the 8th storey and just stood there wondering. Thank goodness I didn't grab a chair or something and stood on it. I mean, at least my position then looked normal and harmless enough, resembling a person who just wanted to look down the window and nothing else. I don't know what urged me to want to jump. Maybe it was the urge to make my parents feel sad when I died, maybe it was the thrill of falling at breakneck speed, maybe it was the thrill of just wanting to die without any rhyme or reason other than feeling the urge to feel something different. Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks with me. Maybe it was just me wondering if I died, how would I view the world? Would I just be a soul wandering around, looking at myself lying on the floor in a pool of blood, wondering if my eyes were still open or closed when I died. I don't know... This is really morbid right now, right? I should probably stop, but screw this, this is MY blog. So anyway, I don't know what made me think about suicide while standing at the window and staring down a height that would potentially kill me should I choose to go down it without the use of an elevator or stairs. But then again, I don't know what made me pull back and think, "Nah, I'm being stupid." I eventually closed the window and plomped on my bed thinking, "What the hell?"

Okay, even I have to admit, this was weird-ass, batshit crazy. Like it started with an innocent insult then escalated to suicide. WELCOME TO MIRAI'S WORLD. It's not even a ChocoLand anymore. Like how could chocolate cause you to think about suicide. And I don't think you put chocolate and suicide in the same sentence. Wait... Actually you can, right? Let's try.

She didn't get her daily dose of chocolate today, so she jumped off the building feeling depressed and unsatisfied, thereby committing suicide. 

Okay what the hell? I think I'm high from all this depression. Talking about depression, I have a friend who told me she used to suffer from depression. She described that time as just feeling utterly depressed (No shit sherlock!) and not wanting to talk or eat or generally face the world. Hmmm... Anyway, lesson learnt: Don't commit suicide; It makes the people around you sad. Like even if you think the world hates you and nobody loves you, you make them sad because they see your dead body on the ground and it's disturbing. And then they can't get the image of your dead body out of their minds and they go to work lacking concentration and all and maybe they get fired because of it. Now, that would make them really sad, wouldn't it? Or maybe since they don't like you, they start over-thinking about all the bad things they have done or said to you and they feel guilty and are afraid that you'll appear in their dreams that night and haunt them. They won't be able to sleep every night and that will ruin their lives. That's sad too. Or maybe they are so desperate to get you out of their minds, that they seek a psychiatrist and blow their wallets because you have holy powers that prevent them from recovering until they are about to finish spending their life savings on counselling. They become broke and would eventually be sad people. So what I'm saying is, even if you think no one cares, it will have effect on someone and it'll make them sad eventually. Don't be a jerk even when you die. Make people happy. And that's by staying alive, even when the life you have to live is being a jerk to you. :)

.
.
.
.
.

Okay so, I'm gonna stop wallowing in self pity and start doing something to change my life. Okay, so maybe not my life, but I'll try to do something to make myself a better person. Meanwhile, efforts to stop feeling sad point to sweet romantic videos of two people in love. (I'm talking Korean dramas.) So bye~~ I'll start doing the 'something to make myself a better person tomorrow.

Love,
Mirai